


if there were monsters in the closet, i don't think i would be surprised

by vagarius



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dreams, Gen, Memories, Non-Linear Narrative, more like "not canon" rather than AU, more like a jumbled mess of vignettes, suicide mention (unnamed character), tsukishima can't deal with this emotions crap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vagarius/pseuds/vagarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"Whatever's bothering you," Kageyama tells him, "Can't be that bad, if you can still stand here, playing volleyball."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Not all problems are volleyball related, King."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kageyama frowns. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens his mouth again. "I know."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kei doesn't.</em>
</p>
<p>(It's a story told in dreams and phone calls, and the dusty moments left in between.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	if there were monsters in the closet, i don't think i would be surprised

**Author's Note:**

> It's been months of writing fanfic fragments. Somehow this is the one I ended up finishing first. It's a mess with a random title and I'm not sorry.

There are papers (red), a pair of hands (pale), and a vague sense of _not good enough_ (strong) _._

And then he's in a house.

It feels like he broke in, but how, he doesn't know. He turns. The window is open, curtains blowing almost comically, and it is night. It is a cold night.

He turns back.

He's in a bedroom, and everything is bathed in blue. Like he's underwater. Maybe he is. The sheets and curtains flow like hair in an ocean, and the stars out the window are slightly blurred, like looking through frosted glass. But he can move his legs just fine, so he probably isn't underwater. Oh well.

He walks to the door. As he passes the bed, he spares it a glance. It is empty. He opens the door and steps into the hallway. He ambles down the stairs.

And then there's a kitchen, and a little girl, and the little girl is holding a book. He asks if she likes the book. She glares at him. He's a little disappointed, in all honesty, because the book she's holding was his favorite, when he was younger, and he kind of wants to talk about it.

Another woman walks in, probably the girl's mother, and she turns on the light. The woman and the girl and him are all sitting at a round kitchen table, average size, wooden. He rubs his cold toes along the base of the table and along the legs of the chair he is sitting on, also wooden. The woman smiles, and he smiles back. He feels safe, despite the fact that the girl is still glaring at him and this isn't his house and he probably broke in through a window in one of the upstairs bedrooms.

The sun rises, and he gets a text from his phone, long forgotten in his pocket, as if alerting him of the morning light. As if he didn't notice.

_From: Niichan_

_KEI WHERE ARE YOU MOM LEFT ME IN CHARGE AND I CANT FIND YOU WHERE ARE YOU THIS IS NOT CUTE AT ALL KEI WHY_

(The text is a frantic thing. It makes him feel calm.)

_To: Niichan_

_sorry. im at a friends. im leaving now._

And then he's telling the woman that he has to leave, and she smiles again, and so does he, as he stands under the glare of a little girl holding his used-to-be favorite book.

He no longer wants to talk about it.

-

_"But Kageyama! Tsukishima is acting weird, and it's freaking me out!"_

"Hinata, he can't be acting _that_ weird, because his presence still pissed me off during practice."

_"No, but, like, he didn't laugh or sneer or anything when I got hit in the face by Yamaguchi's serve."_

"Maybe it's getting old. You get hit in the face a lot."

_"Kageyama, you liar! I'll have you know I haven't been hit in the face in a while, mind you, so you better apologize – "_

"What do you want me to do about it?"

_"What? About apologizing?"_

"About Tsukishima."

_"Oh, um, I guess I didn't think that far ahead? I was kind of hoping you knew something."_

"What makes you think I know any more than you do?"

_"Er..."_

"Exactly. I'm hanging up now. Ask Yamaguchi or the captain if you're really that curious."

_"Whatever, Bakageyama."_

-

There's a boy and a ball and a bat, and he's not sure which hits him first.

The boy rushes over to where he lays on the ground. Kei has a book in his hands – his favorite, actually - and he continues to thumb through the pages from his new spot in the grass. He can feel the boy's worried gaze on him. He looks up.

When their eyes meet, the boy averts his eyes. They land on the book.

"Do you want to borrow it?" Kei murmurs, extending the arm holding his book towards the boy. "I finished it. I won't mind." The boy stays silent. "It's really good," he adds at the lack of response.

The boy continues to stare.

The boy walks away.

-

"Hello?"

_"Oh, Kei, I'm so glad you actually picked up. I've been worried about you. You haven't been answering any of my emails!"_

"I'm sorry for worrying you, Maruyumi-san. I've been busy lately."

_"You don't need to apologize for something like that. I'm just glad you answered my call. It's been so long, hasn't it? I haven't seen you since, since..."_

"Since I was 8."

_"Oh, that's right! You were such a cute little boy, you know, and now you're all grown up – "_

"I'm 15."

_" – and going into high school soon – "_

"I'm already in my first year."

_" – and I can't wait to see you – "_

"Wait, _what?"_

_"I'm coming to Miyagi to visit. Your mom and I thought it was a good idea."_

" _When did you even talk to my mom!?_ "

_"Oh, we talk over the phone sometimes, but we mostly use email. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that I was coming. I wasn't sure if you'd believe your mom when she told you."_

"She _didn't_ tell me."

_"Then it's a good thing you answered your phone for once! I'll see you sometime next month; I'm still trying to sync my visit with my work schedule. Speaking of which, I have work soon, so I'm going to hang up. Goodbye, Kei! See you soon!"_

"...Bye, Maruyumi-san."

-

"Ri-chan won't play with me."

Kei looks up.

"So you should play with me instead." A pause. "So neither of us is all alone."

Kei blinks. "Okay."

-

_"And he was like, completely out of it at practice! He may be a jerk, but he's one of our main blockers! We need him for Spring High!"_

"He did look a little out of it, but Tsukki's never exactly _in it_ at practice, either. I wouldn't be too worried."

_"But what if he's sick or something! What if he's secretly injured? Or worse! He could be dying and we might be ignoring it because we think he's being his stupid unmotivated-except-for-when-I-am self!"_

"Hinata, I can assure you that Tsukki is _not_ dying. And what kind of description is that?"

_"A right one! And that doesn't exclude the possibility of secret injury or disease!"_

"If you're seriously that worried, why not ask him yourself?"

_"Because... because... he won't answer?"_

"You won't know unless you try."

-

There's a spaceship he rides in the summer.

It looks like an old wheelbarrow, painted blue, with chipped bits from the peeling paint that stand out like stars.

There aren't any seatbelts on their spaceship ( _budget cuts_ , the boy tells him, _guess you just have to hold on tight_ ), so the boy sits behind him with his arms wrapped around Kei's waist, comfortable and reassuring that he won't succumb to the zero-gravity-ness of space.

They travel to Jupiter, one day, and as Kei rants about storms and moons and colors, he spots the boy smiling softly at him, and it makes him feel grounded, even more so than the arms still warm around his waist.

"Why are you smiling like that, 'Yumi-san?"

The boy blinks. "I guess I'm happy, is all."

Kei can't help but smile back.

-

_"Tsukishima! You answered! Are you dying?"_

"This isn't Yamaguchi."

_"No, it isn't. Now answer the question!"_

"Why do you want to know?"

_"Because you can't play in Spring High if you're dead."_

"... I'm hanging up."

_"What? Tsukishima! Tsukishima, answer me! I need to know if you're dying or not! Tsukishima!"_

-

He's lost.

The path's right in front of him, but he doesn't know where to go. He can't decide which direction is the right one. His stomach is empty. His feet hurt. He's been traveling for a long, long time. He needs to decide, but he can't.

The path's right in front of him.

A single pale hand, reaching out from the river. He grabs it.

The hand is warm.

He's been traveling for a long, long time, without any water to drink. He drinks the water from the river. He laughs.

He's going in the right direction, he thinks.

He has a hand to hold.

-

"Whatever's bothering you," Kageyama tells him, "Can't be that bad, if you can still stand here, playing volleyball."

"Not all problems are volleyball related, King."

Kageyama frowns. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens his mouth again. "I know."

Kei doesn't.

-

"Niichan."

_"Kei! You answered!"_

"Why is everyone so surprised when I answer my phone?"

_"Because you never answer!"_

"I answered now."

_"Kei! That response wasn't cute at all!"_

"It wasn't supposed to be."

_"Hmph. Anyway, I heard from mom that Maruyumi-san was visiting Miyagi."_

"She is."

_"Is Ri-chan coming too?"_

"I don't know."

_"Too bad I can't visit. Can you tell her I said hi?"_

"I'll try."

_"Good."_

"Did you call just to say that?"

_"Actually, no. I was wondering how practice was going."_

"Fine."

_"Just fine? Nothing more? No details?"_

"Same as always."

_"What about Spring High?"_

"It's coming."

_"What are your teammates doing to prepare?"_

"How should I know?"

_"They're your teammates?"_

"They're idiots."

-

He rolls through the window and falls to the floor.

The carpet breaks his fall, somewhat, he thinks, he's really not sure because nothing really feels like anything, and then he's standing at the edge of the bedroom like he stumbled somewhere he knows he shouldn't be.

It's true, in a sense.

Only in a sense, though; he's been told he's always welcome here, yet he is reluctant to overstay that welcome, but he can't sleep and 3 meters of nighttime darkness is much less scary than the expanse of stale darkness that is his own home.

There's a boy half-asleep in the bed. He opens his eyes. He sits up and lets Kei run to the bed and grab his torso in a half-formed hug. He shares half the bed and half the blanket with a boy half his age.

As Kei crawls under his half of the navy blue covers, he still feels nothing, but he thinks he's at least half-content.

-

_"Ri-chan really likes reading."_

"..."

_"I was wondering if she could borrow a few of your easier books."_

"..."

_"I think it would make her happy if you gave her some."_

"...Does Ri-chan know?"

_"Does she know what?"_

"Does she even remember me?"

_"Of course she remembers you, Kei."_

"Then does she know?"

_"..."_

"I thought so."

_"Kei..."_

"I have to go, Maruyumi-san."

-

"Can we play?"

The boy's fists are clenched as he reads. His knuckles are white with tension. His eyes are red with strain.

"I'm sorry, but I can't really play right now, Kei. I'm busy."

_But I'm alone._

"Okay."

-

_"Tsukki?"_

"Yamaguchi."

_"I'm outside your door. Please open up."_

"... No. I'm hanging up now."

_"Waitwaitwaitwait, Tsukki! I have your schoolwork. At least let me give it to you."_

"Just leave it outside the door. I don't feel like talking."

_"Are you sick, Tsukki?"_

"Sure. Now leave."

_"But if you're sick, you shouldn't be home alone! I can – "_

"I'll be fine. Leave my schoolwork outside the door and please get out of my house."

_"Whatever you say, Tsukki."_

-

There are voices in the doorway.

"Hello, Kei. It's nice seeing you."

He locks himself in his room, puts on his headphones.

The music can't get any louder.

-

" 'Yumi-san, why are you crying?"

The boy looks up. His face is pale, and the skin around his eyes is scarlet. He sniffles. "I guess I'm sad, is all."

A tear hits the ground. It reminds Kei of a leaky faucet.

"Is there a way to stop being sad?" he asks, because he doesn't like it when the boy is sad.

"You can always cry the sadness out." the boy says, his voice oddly steady.

Kei tilts his head. "But doesn't that hurt?"

And then the boy is chokes up again, clutches at Kei's shirt as if Kei isn't half his age, babbling something like _yes, yes it does, but I'll be fine soon, don't worry..._

Kei brushes his fingers through the boy's hair, like the boy does for him, sometimes.

He hopes it helps.

-

"Kei – "

"Go away."

The woman frowns. "But Kei, I – "

"Please go away, Maruyumi-san. Please."

"I just want talk to – "

_"I don't want to fucking to talk to you!"_ Kei screams, and it's like the drop of a pin in a silent room, except the room is far from silent – the buzz of the printer running, the birds chirping outside, the soft _thumpthump_ of socked footsteps – and it makes Kei want to scream again, in all honesty, to drown out the everyday noises that are suddenly making it hard to even _think,_ and he doesn't know what to do, and –

"Kei, calm down." The woman has her hands up in a placating gesture, voice sickly sweet, and Kei wants to scream at her to _stop treating me like, like..._

(Like _what,_ he's not sure, but it makes his insides burn and his heart freeze all at once, makes the air slick like acid, running along his throat in painful streams. It's not a pleasant feeling, far from, but it's _there_ , and it's enough to motivate Kei into taking a deep breath, acid-filled as it may be.)

"I am calm," he says. He knows it's pretty stupid to say. He doesn't care. "I just don't want to talk to you, or anyone, right now."

"Then when can we talk?"

Kei pauses. "I was kind of hoping I'd never have to."

-

He crawls into the room.

There's a boy at the desk.

He's sitting, body half slung over the desk, red papers crushed under his weight. There's drool at the corner of his mouth. The curtains blow, and his phone beeps for something long forgotten.

The bed remains untouched.

-

"His bedroom was blue."

_"I'm sorry, what?"_

"His bedroom was blue. I wonder if it still is. Maybe it was repainted?"

_"Tsukki, it's too late – wait, never mind – it's too early for this. I don't know what you're saying."_

"I'm wondering if his bedroom was ever repainted, obviously."

_"...Who?"_

"And that if it was, they probably replaced the covers, too, so the room matched. But that would mean also replacing the lamp and the placemat on the bedside table. And the curtains."

_"Um, Tsukki..."_

"Actually, the curtains could probably stay, depending on the color. Assuming the color changed. What color would you paint the walls, Yamaguchi?"

_"Er, uh, red? Maybe?"_

"Really? I'd just keep the room blue. Less effort in the long run. It's not like anyone would sleep there, anyway."

_"Tsukki, I don't know why you called, but you're worrying me. Are you okay?"_

"I'm perfect. Fine. Splendid. No need to worry."

_"Whatever you say, Tsukki. Can I go back to bed then?"_

"Yes, of course. Good night."

_"... Good night, I guess."_

-

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" the boy asks him. The sky is fuzzy along its edges, and he stares at the blurred space past the boy's shoulder while he thinks.

"A dinosaur!" he exclaims, like he's found the answer to the universe. Maybe he has. He feels like he has. "What do you want to be, 'Yumi-san?"

"Hmm..." the boy thinks, finger to chin, and then his eyes crinkle with a smile. "I want to be a shooting star."

Kei's face brightens in awe. "I'll make sure to wish on you!"

-

_From: Niichan_

_did you tell her i said hi_

_To: Niichan_

_i will_

-

The bedroom he looks into is dark.

He's hanging onto the window ledge, feet planted against the wall under it, his body streaked with moonlight. His eyes are searching for something he is unaware of. He's quiet.

There's a boy in the bedroom. The bedroom is probably his. His figure shimmers like rusted gold. The lights are off, which is to be expected, but the ceiling fan is off, too, and it makes him feel overly warm, even while outside hanging onto a window ledge at night. It's unsettling.

The whole bedroom is unsettling, really, like it was tilted on its axis and plunged head first into the deep end of a river.

There's a wooden kitchen chair under the ceiling fan, and it confuses him. The boy stands on the chair. The boy has a rope. He ties it the base of the ceiling fan. He's probably acting on some late-night idea he had, some project he didn't want to forget. The room is dark. Kei wonders if the boy has trouble seeing.

And then the boy is slipping his head through the loop he made. The knot tightens around his neck. His hands are pale and shaken yet steady, with finality that glows ember-red. He breathes out, kicks the chair, and doesn't breathe back in.

Kei's hands slip, and he falls off the window ledge.

-

"I don't miss him," Kei sobs. It's a weird experience. He doesn't remember having ever sobbed before. "But I can't just _forget_ him, I know, 'cause I've tried, and - " A hiccup. " – what am I supposed to _do,_ I don't know, it all feels so wrong still."

The woman listens, but doesn't comment. Not at the moment. Not now. Kei keeps talking.

(Talking, choking, sobbing, they're all the same, at this moment.)

"And I keep, I keep having these _dreams,_ even before you called, before he kind of crashed back into my thoughts, and I know he's dead, but I'm scared to even face him, I guess, maybe, I _don't goddamn know._ I feel so lost. I feel so _tired._ "

He _does_ feel tired, he realizes, _so tired,_ so he goes to sleep, right where he is, sobbing on the floor in front of a woman whose son hung himself from a ceiling fan. _I'm pathetic,_ he thinks, and it's probably true, at this moment, if nothing else.

When he wakes up, it's to the smell of dinner, and a soft voice saying, "You never did cry afterwards, did you?"

"I guess I wanted to keep the sadness in, is all," he whispers, just as soft.

-

_"Whatever's bothering you can't be that bad, if you can still stand here, playing volleyball."_

The words play in his head, and he thinks he gets it, maybe.

-

"I don't know how you got my phone number, but you better have a good reason for calling."

_"I need help with math!"_

"I swear you have half a brain."

_"What was that? Who says I have half a brain?"_

"I just did."

_"W-well, I bet you're the one with half a brain, Tsukishima! Always using insults to hide your true, stupid, half-brain!"_

"Even if that was true, at least I use mine."

_"Are you implying that I don't think?!"_

"Of course not. I'm _telling_ you that you don't think. It's a fact."

_"Well... you... I... ARGH. I hate you! I hate you, Tsukishima Kei!"_

"In that case, do I still have to help you with math?"

_"Yes! Help me with math!"_

"No."

_"You're an asshole, you know that? At least when you're actually acting like yourself..."_

"Pardon?"

_"I, I was just saying how much I hate your stupid, asshole self, and how you should help me with math to make up for your obnoxious personality!"_

"Are you sure I'm the obnoxious one?"

_"Yes, yes I am! Now help me with math!"_

-

"Bye, Kei. Good luck at Spring High."

Kei blinks. "Thanks."

"I'll see you soon."

The woman puts on her shoes, leaves. The door is shut. The window is closed.

"See you soon, Maruyumi-san."

-

_"And after calling me stupid and refusing to help me with math, he has the nerve to call me the obnoxious one! Me! He should really take a good long look at himself, and maybe he'll see that he's the obnoxious one."_

"But that's a good thing, isn't it?"

_"What's a good thing? Him seeing his obnoxiousness?"_

"No, him insulting you."

_"Kageyama! Why would you betray me like that! I thought we were partners! I thought – "_

"That's not what I meant, dumbass."

_"..."_

"What I meant was that it means he's back to his usual self. Whatever was bothering him is gone."

_"Oh. Um. Well."_

"...Dumbass Hinata."

_"Was that really necessary?!"_

-

**Author's Note:**

> I made any additional names on a whim.


End file.
